Posted by: thaufler | July 17, 2010

Hope…

July 16th

I lie here with money in my pocket from three different countries and all of it is useless to me… I hear the echoes of voices from home speaking in dispassionate unbelief bouncing off the voices of others screaming in pain and I am caught somewhere in the middle wondering where is God… how will I ever get through this. My poor relentlessly compassionate wife with her ruthless love for children lying here beside me with her heart ripped from her fragile ribcage hears these echoes too while almost every child she see’s reduces her to dribble. This woman has become the most beautiful creature on earth both inside and out to me and now I have to learn how to help her pick up the pieces of her just days ago glowing life and restore any meaning… any sense …any comfort. The anger boiling in me rises up while she sleeps and wants to vaporize with a ball of nuclear fire the selfish motorist outside our window blowing his horn at someone in his way…

I’m in Israel, the land where Jesus once walked and I could care less, I don’t even want to look out the window of my small hotel room. I told her today, if the unthinkable happens… “We’ll see him in heaven”, and maybe this wasn’t really about him at all, maybe this white-hot pain has another meaning, another reason, just give me a minute and I’ll figure it out…  it will take a lifetime to comprehend the steps God has ordered for us. I frantically search my internal hard-drive while there by his bedside for a verse that explains my assurance, and nothing comes, nothing concrete. Could our deep love for this child we only met a few days ago infuse the adopting love of Christ for him, is there any room in all of scripture that gives me hope… yes and it can be found in the mystery of God’s word, that which is unspoken. The ultimate end of all theology is mystery… to think we can fully comprehend the vast love of God with our six inches of gray matter is arrogant at best… my assurance finds a home in His big hands, hands that have held me tight every moment I’ve been gone from home.    

She’s still sleeping, foolish me, I actually thought a car horn could wake her up… I don’t think she wants to wake up, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to sleep for more than a few hours at a time. Every couple of hours I wake up with the blinding thought, “This is happening, this is happening… why is this happening?” 

It’s 10:00pm and we go see him again. The care this hospital gives him and us is so tender it should be a model for even the best facility in America. He looks so peaceful, so beautiful, it’s hard to believe what they’ve told us… the male nurse caring for him looks like he was peeled off the interior wall of some ancient Egyptian pyramid, and the soft chatter behind us in Hebrew with all the inflection of my own tongue somehow breeds peace in my torn spirit. It looks like they’ve given him another bath… the whole week in the ICU in The Republic of Georgia water never touched his thick black hair, even though it was constantly running five feet from his bedside and he has the sores to prove it.

We return to the small expensive room over-looking the hospital and eventually sleep comes for me in the glow of our daughter’s computer with Alicia toiling over the many email responses we’ve received from America… another day.

Yes, there is still hope…

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Responses

  1. On my knees with tears. My heart breaks for you – Wishing you peace and strength and hoping for a miracle…

  2. Yes, while there is still breath, there is still hope…and God even breathes life into dead things. We want to still believe for a miracle, but we do not want you to feel any judgement coming from us. Please know that we love you and are so sorry you are going through such heartache. It is hard to find the words, so maybe we should just sit with you and be quiet, letting the Holy Spirit pray the words we don’t know how to utter.

  3. We have felt no judgement from anyone… only encouragement. You have been a bright light to us and we thank God for your constant witness of God’s faithfulness. There is still hope, and we are hoping agaainst hope.

  4. We love you guys so much. All of us hammans are praying and standing with you. It is so hard to put into words how I hurt for you guys. I am definately standing in agreement with Matt and Lisa. I love you guys.

  5. As I also sit here drenced in tears Chuck walks in & asked what was wrong & before I said a word he said Tim & Alicia. You are so much on our hearts & in our spriit that we don’t even have to speak to convey what pain we are feeling for you & the hope we hold on to with you. Your words are piercing & we know no matter what happens in the natural GOD IS YOUR HOPE & He has a plan for you & yes EVAN has recieved a gift that couldn’t have happened had you not been drawn to him in the first place. We love you so very much & know that even though we don’t understand all God does or doesn’t do He is drawing you (us) all closer to Him & will heal your pain & Evan’s somehow. Know that we love you both so very much & even Evan w/ you. You are not alone. God will still recieve the glory no matter the outcome but He is a God of surprise, miracles, & comfort!!!

  6. Tim,Alicia & Evan,
    Pam & I are so heartbroken for you guys and we feel that we don’t have words to bring relief to you except that we love you folks and are praying for God’s will to be done in all your lives. He is sovereign and we know that you know that and reading 1Peter this morning, we were encouraged in the scriptures for that wonderful truth: Vs-3-9 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy,he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is impershable,undefiled, and unfading,kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith-more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire–may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him,you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressable and filled with glory,obtaining the outcome of your faith,the salvation of your souls.” Though we can’t imagine the grief and fear you guys are going thru,praise be to God that He holds these moments as you turn to him as precious. We love you two with Evan ,the sweet one, and our hope is with you all in our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Love Pat and Pam.

  7. What words can bring hope, what words can bring comfort, only words from the Lord…..Children of believers are Sanctified {set apart} and are considered Holy by God 1Cor.7:14. This is for Evan, whom you adopted and is grafted into your family. Because you love God and trust him your hearts have been broken for the orphaned, for the helpless. Not for self gratification but because you want to share that love and see God Glorified in it. Mercy is on your lips, in your actions and in your heart..be comforted in these passages, “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger of sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. No, in all things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor future, nor powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.Romans 8:35-39.

  8. It’s all true. Fear nothing. He will never leave you.

  9. As I pray I hear loudly, “Be still and know that I Am GOD!” Please know we are holding you both up to the Lord.

  10. You cannot know how much your kind words mean to us right now…

  11. Simply, I love you guys!!! Words don’t work!

  12. P. S. Bella is a strong prayer warrior!! You’d be very proud!

  13. I’m sorry you and Evan are hurting.

    He is Good.

    You are loved.
    You are loved so much.

  14. Oh my sweet friends, prayers are such a mighty thing! We are praying for you!! Know that you all are loved & being thought of each day.


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