Posted by: thaufler | July 17, 2010

This wasn’t on our list…

Spoke to the kids this morning and tried to help them understand our circumstance… Nick my thoughtful one, and Carrie the unflappable listened while we did the best we could to squeeze out what we know about Evan and his chances without conveying our emotions through the wire.

God how we miss them… I ache for them and dreamt of holding them both tight until the thought produced panic because of my desire to be home. We must endure the next few days, and I must be strong for Alicia, she has never needed me so much and I have never felt so inadequate. My thoughts cast back to two weeks ago and the analogy of the “cracked pot” from 2 Cor 4:7… what if your pot is shattered… what do you do then? Perhaps it’s these times when God’s glory isn’t designed to shine through the cracks of your “Earthen Vessel”, and He lays you open for all to witness His steadfast love.  

We went to see Evan a while ago, and I held his little right foot tight, all puffy now, while stroking his coarse black hair remembering it was the only way I could comfort him that first night in the hospital. The only thing missing from my formula was the whisper of shhh… in his ear because it just wasn’t necessary tonight, he was quiet and peaceful.

… my face is dry now, my spirit numb, my mind blank and Alicia’s sleeping. I so long to be somewhere that I hear the muffled tones of English from the crowd around me, where people don’t stare because I look different, where I can look at a menu board at McDonald’s and know how to order a hamburger, or read the package of an instant noodle meal and know what I’m eating and how to cook it.

There is no protocol for the situation we are in, there is no hardware or software that can process this data, the code hasn’t been written, there are only minutes clicking by, and one foot slowly forward into a future we didn’t plan… this wasn’t on our list.

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Responses

  1. God is truly allowing you to be able to go through this together because He loves you & wants you to know that we are here & all around you in the Spirit holding you up w/ our prayers, our cries to God, our intercession, & our own questions. But we are here for YOU & ALICIA!!! I won’t even pretend to say I understand what you are going through except that I know the pain in my own heart & soul are because I & others have given God permission to allow us to take what you can’t for you & cry it out, pray it out, & continue to trust in Him w/ & for you!!! I ‘ve never wanted to hug so much as I have in the past few days as I have wanted to hug you both now. Love, hugs, & prayers!

  2. I stumbled upon your page today and your story deeply touched my. I just want to let you know my husband and I are lifting Evan and your family up in prayer tonight and will continue to do so!

    In HIS Love,
    Monica

  3. Tim and Alicia,
    I do not know you personally but I am friends with Kim and Chuck (I grew up in Mathews) as well as Lisa and Matt Tatem. Kim briefly updated me and asked that I be in prayer for Evan and your family. I found your blog today and have been deeply touched by your unselfish love. Please know that our love and prayers go out to your family. I thank God that His healing hand is upon Evan and I pray strength for you and Alicia.

  4. though tears I read your blog & have to remind myself that God knows what’s going on..I have to remember that HE knows whats best, that HE knows your there, that your kids are at home & that your son, Evan is in the situation he’s in. I want you both to know that yes, Tim, your pots that are being shaped are lights to me. I’m remeinded of the fact that many of us grow in Gods shade..it’s our dark spots that tend to make us bloom even more brightly. My heart felt prayers are before our heavenly Father. He is good & even when we don’t understand whats happening, He’s there…shaping us. Love to you both.
    My sweet sister…I just wanted to tell you I love you & am praying for your hurting mothering heart. You’ve been blessed with a great husband & for what ever reason, God has chosen you two to go on a really crazy journey with Him. Praying for Gods will to be done & for His wonderful hands to be felt holding you both up. Hugs to you!


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